The revision is much better than the original - good work with that. You've got some really great shots of the boys in action, and your slow-downs and effects really put the focus on their games. The shots tell the story - you've used great camera angles and fast cuts - that is very well done.
Before I say anything else: you do NOT need the thought bubbles or anything else to drive the story. I couldn't read a word of what was written anywhere, and the story still came through 100% for me, and the thought bubbles were pretty distracting.
The video is well done and has a lot of potential to be even better. A few pointers: I would remove the little animated characters entirely. I thought they were distracting and didn't do anything to advance the story. Also, I would consider changing the bouncy/silly music when the boys are missing their shots and such (I'm not sure if that's what other posters have been referring to as "the frog"). You don't need the music to illustrate the point that the boys are doing poorly - you could replace this with energetic music, or even slower melodic music, but you don't need to whistles and boings to get the point across. And in exactly the same way, your audience does not need to hear "I was on the verge of breaking uuuup" in order to understand that the boys are downtrodden and sad. I think you may be getting a lot of criticism on the music because you've used many different songs and they change often. As such, I would consider using fewer songs, or at least not changing them so often. For example, your intro uses 10 seconds of one song, and switches to another song until about 0:38, then changes again, and again. You may be able to use just one track throughout the first minute of so - you may find that it adds some coherency to your video.
All in all, great work. I hope you found the above helpful, and I look forward to hearing about how the viewing goes on the 31st.  | 
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