Since shooting and editing, I would change three elements, cutting it down considerably, editing it all completely differently to start with. I don't think it is necessarily festival worthy but think it's OK and one of the talent is vaguely recognisable (this person went on to do a few bits and pieces in Doctors etc...)
This is my first short ever, so fire away. Happy to take both barrels as I can see the issues myself and would make a lot of changes.
For the technically-minded:
Sony VG10 with stock lens, 5D Mk2 with a couple of primes (don't ask me which as I can't remember and it's not mine...), Tascam DR100 for sound with an NTG-2 on the end.