Last edited by connorfranks; 10-24-2011 at 03:09 PM.
I really think much of this is quality stuff.
The neon messages at the beginning give a clear indication of what the film is about and hammer home the message without any beating around the bush or condescending.
The shots of the girl getting ready to go out are excellent. We never really see her in the film, do we? Just bits of her here and there - which is rather interesting because on the one hand she's totally anonymous yet on the other what we do see of her and what she's doing is very intimate. To me the anonymity sends the message that this could be anyone and the intimacy sends the message that although it could be anyone, it's extremely personal.
The choice of music for the 14days sequence later is perfect. You manage to convey the feeling of loneliness and fear really well. Apart from the glare of the lights on the screen, the words on the PC are clear and legible and -most importantly - lefty on the screen for long enough for us to read.
Switching to the SMS was clever and the message - the sooner you get tested the better - was delivered very clearly.
An excellent piece. Some praise must also go to Amy for her superb acting.
Areas which could be improved in my opinion.
If was too long in parts: This is the most common fault of amateur movies (especially my own), but it's even more important to keep the viewers interest.
Personally I would cut directly from the getting ready to the quick cuts over a disco beat. In other words drop the car sequence and the walking into the centre with the jump cuts. We know she's going out for the night. How she gets there adds nothing and is only slowing the story up. Additionally she says "we got drunk and spent the night together". It's not about drunk driving, but I made the link and others may as well - which is a distraction.
Similarly after her "This is Jack" speech, I'd cut immediately from the first shot of the couple walking away to the bedroom close-ups the shoes coming off, the shirt being piled up (and maybe a couple more shots of clothes being dumped). Again the jump cuts add nothing and the shots of the stairs/landing just slow the whole thing up.
On the other hand the shots of Amy walking the streets feeling sorry for herself are not too long in my mind. By now we've developed some sort of deeling for the character and are genuinely interested in where this is leading. The loneliness comes across really well.
The biggest technical problem is the glare on the computer screen. There's no option here but to re-shoot. What's said on the screen is REALLY important, nothing must detract. But I'm sure you know that
Shooting in that room full of mirrors must have caused you some serious headaches with camera angles!
There was one bad cut here in my opinion. At about 2:55 you cut from one shot of the girl to another. It has two problems: you jump from a moving shot to a static shot and the girl is in a different position.
The next cut in some ways is identical: It's a moving shot to a static and the girl is suddenly typing. But this works fine! For some reason it is obvious to the viewer that time has been compressed here, but not in the previous. I don't know the theory behind this - my guess is that the second cut changes from one subject to another (even though both the girl and the laptop appear in each)
Keep making films. Keep asking for feedback. If you're so inclined enter a few competitions (I know you've had a bad experience here, but look for those run by the IAC) - you'll get considered feedback from judges far more qualified than me.
Keep posting here. I certainly see potential for a pro.
Excellent short film. Particularly liked the lack of dialogue/character interaction. It gave the film a real authentic feel as it reinforced the mixture of shock, loneliess and embarassment someone would experience if they did find out they had contracted an StI
Shame you don't have an interest in campaigns of this sort, as this is one of the most effective I have seen!!
Last edited by westham01; 05-01-2009 at 07:47 PM.
Connor - refering to your other thread about wanting to be a film amker - heck you already are.
That was way way ahead of the pack. Some really excellent touches that persuade and seduce.
I think you are better than you think you are.
I would loose the intro totally. Myabe a bit long - but still very well made in most areas. I would be very happy with myself had I made this.
The tear shot is a cracker - great tracking shots - how did you do those? The sliding towel trick ?
Very good video, I liked it a lot and it had a lot of technical merit to it. A few of the shots could have been framed better, I didn't like the jump cuts as I could see other stuff in the shot moving and it was very distracting. Just have the actors walk towards the camera and then a few feet past it, that's all you need. The sequence of her getting ready and going out can be cut back to just having her going out the front door and closing it behind her.
We've have already seen her lifting her car keys up so there is no need to show the actual journey. The sequence after she finds out she may have an STI could have had the colour removed (desaturate to Greyscale) to emphasise it and separate it from the 'good' parts up to that point. And then goinig back to colour again as she attends a clinic, just one wide shot from across the street of her driving into the clinic would suffice and continue on from there.
The characters are much stronger and more three dimensional in this piece and that makes them more believable and therefore the audience can connect and empathise with them. Especially in a piece like this you have to connect the two, audience and character otherwise the narrative is not believable. Good job keep working on them.
I will not comment the story or anything related to this, im more a technician instead of a director, script ...
I think the angle of the video is nice, the composition of the shot, and the general outcome. But i would definitely work on lightning on the set, and in the post-production.
Its verry important to control and to use the light properly, specially in these emotion video or when you want to create a specific atmosphere.
I would love to see more contrast in these type of video and maybe a general color domination. I think thats your weakness right now, i notice that in all your video messing around your portfolio.
Try magic bullet from Red Giant Software: Visual Effects Plugins for Digital Video. Its a good start, but dont just work whit the preset, make you own.
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Sorry for my bad english im french