OK... I'm not a pro, (or even an amateur of any note!)
So please take what follows with a large pinch of salt (and some tequila and some lime, possibly)
I guess you are really into kites and stuff, so it's easy for you to like the subject, to linger on techniques that the layman is not going to understand or care about.
About 4 minutes in I gave up, after thinking: Oh look another bloke being pulled along the beach on a skateboard/trike/thingie.
I guess this was because there was a whole sequence of right to left pan shots following the kiters at quite a long distance.
I would guess you really need to mix up your shots, you need to inter-cut some close-ups, and low wide angle shots. For instance a guy on a trike zipping into frame from behind and disappearing up the beach away from camera. Or speeding towards the camera.
A lot of the shots just didn't show any kites.
A kite-flyer's eye view shot or two would be nice too. Looking up at the kite and particularly getting the wind and wheel noise (Though I understand that to get that you would need a helmet cam, and that could be expensive - particularly in a spill!) But putting the viewer in the driving seat would be good
You could do with cut-aways to any spectators and get their reactions too.
I thought you over-used the white-out transition a tad too much.
jump-cutting to the music and some speed ramps would be nice too.
Some kind of narrative would work. Interviews with the guys, telling one guy's story. Getting the reaction of one of them after a particularly hair-raising ride. Getting his friends reactions too.
Basically anything to make your audience want to engage with the sport, and the practitioners. Make some of them want to try it!
And of course... If it's for a general audience... It has to be shorter.
The good news is that there is lots to work with in this video.
Much of what needs improving is editing, but your filming technique could use some work too. I'll probably mix up the two.
Firstly, it is just way too long. I could only manage 3.5 minutes before I gave up. The long intro, while creative, is boring. Sorry, but it is. You need to brutally re-edit the whole thing down to around 2 minutes or people will not be interested. All your shots should be far shorter. I am not interested in watching every car exit the ferry. You should use the bare minimum clips to tell the story. Cars coming off a boat - two seconds - some guy setting up his kit 2 seconds - straight innto the action, OR multiple perspectives on the same action will maintain interest. Once your brain 'gets' what's happening you need a new shot to maintain interest, even if it is of the same thing, a different angle will do this, or zoom out/in to detail.
Also many of your shots follow moving objects, which detracts from their speed. Track an object. Get ahead of it then stop and allow it to enter and exit the frame.
Pumping music does not really fit much of the content. Why are you showing us a ship in the distance? Is it part of the story? Answer: NO, so leave it out.
Much of editing is about what doesn't make it into the final cut.
At the moment all you really have is a bunch of random shots of kites set to music. There is probably little you can do with what you have, but you can aim to improve the next video. Interview people. What kit have they bought? What kite are they flying today? why? Have they any tips on technique?
Get them talkin,g then cut away to the action maintaining their audio and then kick in some music maybe. Vary your camera angles. Bury a camera in the sand, and get a mate to aim right for it. Strap one to a buggy. Invest in some gear and stick a mini cam in the lines of the kite (if you can afford it).
Get creative. Show a friend. If they start shifting in their seat and getting impatient you will soon realise which shots are WAY TOO LONG!
Just random thoughts intended to improve the next video...
Brilliant! Thanks for your feedback this is exactly what I was looking for
Lots of tips and ideas from both of you, will give it a shot the next time I am out. Now I look at the video again, 12mins is a long time to ask someone who isnt interested in the sport to sit and watch without any interaction i.e. someone talking.
Hmmm, lots to think about.
I might try and re-edit the video and see what I can do.