Allow me to introduce myself. I am a member of a secret organisation who have been working behind the scenes to discover the truth behind Pinnacle and the consistent stream of bad software issued using the name of 'Studio'. We have been working to get someone inside the Pinnacle organisation, and a few weeks ago we were finally successful. Part of the reason that we were unable to get inside the organisation for so long is that we were actually looking in the wrong place. We should have been looking towards Adobe. Pinnacle is nothing more than a ingeneous ploy on the part of Adobe.
The following is a transcript of the latest developers team meeting that we were able to get a listening device into.
We believe it quite clearly demonstrates that the constant stream of Pinnacle bugs are in fact planned in order to force Pinnacle users to migrate to Premiere. We also believe that it shows that far worse is in fact on the way ....
Transcript of Pinnacle Systems Software Development Team Meeting 19 October, 2006.
Location: Pinnacle Systems Board Room (A.K.A. Meeting Room 3, Level 2, Adobe Corporate Headquarters)
09:04 [various voices, chatter]
09:05 "O.K., are we all here? Lets get started then shall we?"
09:05 "Just a few housekeeping matters before we begin, firstly, the Premiere team have sent us over some donuts to congratulate us for 10.6, so dig in."
09:06 [rustling and voices, chatter]
09:06 "Right, I'd also like to welcome our new starter, Steve. Steve comes to us from a little startup that were developing a video editing app that 'Avid' have just bought out ...we can't have any competition now can we?"
09:07 [laughter, various voices]
09:08 "O.K. Settle down, settle down. Steve, welcome to the Pinnacle Studio team, I think you'll find that we are a fiendly bunch, easy to get along with. I know you'll fit right in, welcome aboard. O.K. next piece of housekeeping, Bruce will leaving us at the end of next month, for those of you who don't know, Bruce will be retiring. We've organised a dinner with the Premiere team for next Friday night, so if you can all put that in your calendars... right. I think that's about it ..."
09:09 [paper rustling, indistingushable voices]
09:09 "O.K. I've heard back from Risk Assessment, they feel that the 'trial version' bug you guys introduced in 10.6 was brilliant, however the impact scope was way too broad. Support ..."
09:10 "Simon, do you have something to contribute?"
09:10 "Sorry, you said 'Support'. I can't help myself, I get the giggles everytime ...."
09:10 "Yes Simon, we all get the joke. I know its hard, but you really have to contain yourself."
09:10 "Sorry .."
09:10 "Thats OK. As I was saying, Support are fielding a lot [emphasis] of calls about it. Risk Assessment feels you overdid it. We need to cycle that back somewhat. Paul, I think that you've got something to add here..."
09:11 "Yes, thankyou Dave. As Dave has said, Support..."
09:11 "...have been getting a lot of calls over this. We realise that we have overdone this one, so when 10.7 ships, the incidence of the trial version issue has been cycled back to only appear on between 2.5 and 4 percent of all users installs. In association with this, we are also rolling back the version number on the splash screen and the application information details to Version 10.6 on those installs. This will result in this small percentage doing completely pointless uninstalls and reinstalls of the software. Of those, a number will post to the message forums to complain, but will be dismissed as crackpots or noobies who have no idea on how to install software and/or patches. We are aiming for an approximate 2 percent conversion rate as a result of this."
09:11 "Great. And how is 10.7 coming along?"
09:11 " Really well. The beta is out at the moment, as soon as we ship 10.7 we'll substitute the codeset for the real 10.7. I think you'll like the results. We've introduced a random reordering of images into the layout, so video and image files randomly resort themselves whenever the user scrolls the timeline. This corresponds to a complete removal of all audio. We should get some really good pictures from the webcam feature that we included in 10.5.2..."
09:12 "Just for Steves benefit Paul, can you summarise the web cam feature?"
09:12 "Sure Dave. When we shipped 10.5.2, in preparation for the upcoming round of bugs, we included a feature where we can guage user responses to our new bugs by capturing shots from any attached web cams at the moment that a bug appears. I have some examples here that were captured from responses to the trial version issue ..."
09:12 [clicking, probably a slide projector]
09:12 "This one is quite good, the look of shock really shows up well...."
09:12 "This one is my favorite, the light is just right ..."
09:12 "Are those tears?"
09:12 "Yep, pretty sure so. Unfortunately this one didn't convert...the I.P. has been dark for days, so we don't think he, or the machine survived the experience..."
09:14 "Excellent, thankyou Paul. I'm glad you bought up the conversion rate issue. I had a meeting last week with the Premiere teams management who feel that despite the terrific job you guys are doing with the buggy [emphasis] patches, the Pinnacle to Premiere conversion rate still isn't high enough..."
09:15 [voices muttering]
09:16 "So, we need to come up with a new strategy. We also need to heed Risk Assessments warnings about not being too obvious...we certainly do NOT want the Pinnacle user base to get clued up to what we are doing to them. Pinnacle is still a reasonable income stream which we do not want to kill off just yet... any idea's anyone?"
09:17 "Give 'em a blue screen!"
09:17 "Thanks Bruce, but we've already done the blue screen of death before, and as most of the Pinnacle user base are now on Windows XP the days of a complete system failure are all but gone. The best we can hope for out of that code now is random mysterious shutdowns, which you will be happy to know is still a frequent occurance. What ever you did there Bruce it really was a stroke of brilliance! Now, anyone else, idea's?"
09:18 "How about random video corruption?"
09:19 "Nice idea Steve, but the corruption issue has also already been done, quite some time ago from memory. Our user base research guys have told me that it is standard proceedure now for the users to only work on copies of their files, so introduction of random file corruption will not have a significant impact unfortunately .. but thanks for contributing in your first team meeting!"
09:20 "How about random file deletions?"
09:20 "Interesting ... walk us through your thinking on that one Paul ..."
09:20 "Well, we can introduce a feature where after every startup of Pinnacle a file is deleted. Not a video or picture file, that's too obvious, how about a file unassociated with Pinnacle? How about we delete Adobe files?"
09:21 "Won't work. Adobe is too easy to reinstall. No, we need something with a bit more 'ommph'..."
09:21 "How about Windows files? We can override the auto protect & start randomly deleting system files. Some of those won't get missed for weeks! I mean, who uses Paint anymore?"
09:21 "Excellent! OK Paul, I want you & your team onto that one immediately. We'll aim to ship that one in 10.8. I also want to include in 10.8 some way of ..."
09:21 "Shhh! [whisper] does any one notice that donut? It has an antenna ...."
09:22 [loud crack noise]
09:22 signal terminated.
DISCLAIMER: This post is in its entireity a work of fiction. Everyone knows you can't bug a Krispy Kreme ... or can you?
<Bonus points to those who recognise the posters alias!>