Where to start? First, be sure the camera is not in the "auto" setting when you film scenes with changing light levels. Looks terrible when the picture quickly blooms before settling. Use MANUAL and work your lighting, not your camera's auto iris.

There really was not any perceived sense of dread or fear in your character or the presentation of the story. It is a good premise with an unexpected end, but you did not succeed in building tension or anticipation and you completely blew the impact of the surprise ending.

Sorry, I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear but after downloading and watching I felt ripped off.

On the up side, damned good music. Too good for the video presentation.

Still, if this was indeed your very first creation, then you certainly show promise as a good story teller. You just need more constructive feedback and experience.

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Johnson Imagineering - Digital Filmmaking Editing and Post-Production